☆彡언제나 행복하게

The last show…
June 29, 2009, 12:19 AM
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I’ve had this slight depression going on for awhile. Since April, I think. I’ve just haven’t been feeling anything when I come back from my own little world. But summer just makes it worse. Everynight, I have countless nights just looking up in the ceiling, just thinking … about nothing. I’ve been so frustrated, I want to know why I’ve been feeling this way. I’m confused, I’m distressed, I just don’t get the world. It makes me want to give up on life. Nothing amazing ever happens to me, and if something good happens, there will always be something to ruin my happiness. It’s uexplained sadness.

Bring tissues, bring sad songs. For the past 2 years, I can never forget the feeling I got. During summers, I go through the worse senarios, especially back in 2007. When I think back, I tear up, and I stand … dazed just thinking about the past. I don’t look at the past, but I still live in it. Honestly, during the summer of 2007, it was the time where I was the happiest from what I recall. It was also the worse. I was lovesick that’s why. I went through so much because of that one boy, and now he’s going to leave my arms forever. I break down just thinking about him, he was the one that I’ve straight fallen for. But then …


Straight through my heart. Here I go, with my stubborn self and mind. Suffering in silence for it is the only thing I can do. I’m torn appart. I am happy. Happy that today’s show was a success, and sad, deeply hurt and troubled, frustrated. For this is the end.

I can’t help but cry inside, go crazy. I can’t move, I can’t smile. My lips are getting dry, I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. I can’t let go.

I love you.

No matter what you did to me. You hurt me, you crushed me, you made me feel … loved. You were someone that actually made feel that I was important, you would talk to me about anything and was a helpful open ear. You were the one that actually listened to my problems, but you were the one that pushed me away. I knew you wanted us to be friends, but … I just don’t know. But now you’re about to leave forever. I sometimes think I should give on life and him. There’s no way that I’ll ever love the way I love you though. Forever and always.

He was the hype of my summer, but since that year … I’ve never been the same. Deep inside of me, there’s the sad me … feeling heartless. I remember crying about him, love is painful. Although that moment happened, I still want to return to the past, to relive the happy days with him. I don’t care if I get hurt by him, I just want to be close with hime once more, before he leaves. I can’t let him go, I still want to be by his side no matter what. Since that incident, it’s been hard for me to trust people and I just became even more closed about my feelings. I’m scared to fall in love again, I’m scared to befriend people, I’m scared to get hurt again.

I think that’s apart of my unexplained sadness. But I know there’s more to it, I just don’t know what it is. For sure school is not a problem. I don’t care about that.

I want to be happy once again.

나쁜 마음을 먹게해 -티맥스(T-Max)
What do I do. I keep having a bad thoughts.
I’m sorry

I know that I can’t be like this
If I say that it’s a lie, a lie
Will my heart go back
Tears fall
I can’t even look at you because I’m so sorry
My heart hurts
What do I say first
i can’t think

Dootdooo Dootdootdoo Dootdooloo Dootdoot Dootdoo
bbamba bbambamba

You keep making me have bad thoughts
The heart that’s forgetting you
Is not a good heart to me
It’s such a bad heart
It’s a bad heart. It’s a bad heart
Our love will never go away.. never

Making me have bad thoughts
The heart that’s forgetting you
Is not a good heart to me
It’s such a bad heart
It’s a bad heart. it’s a bad heart
Erasing our love.. it’s such a bad thought

I don’t like farewells..
Just breaking up with you.. I don’t like it even if i die

Just think of me kindly
If you just say one word
I have no other wish

Dootdooo Dootdootdoo Dootdooloo Dootdoot Dootdoo
bbamba bbambamba

You keep making me have bad thoughts
The heart that’s forgetting you
Is not a good heart to me
It’s such a bad heart
It’s a bad heart. it’s a bad heart
Our love will never go away.. Never

Making me have bad thoughts
The heart that’s forgetting you
Is not a good heart to me
It’s such a bad heart
It’s a bad heart. It’s a bad heart
Erasing our love.. it’s such a bad thought


Unbearable, Indescribable Love
June 25, 2009, 12:06 AM
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Did I tell anyone my love for Big Bang, haha? Yes, Big Bang. That super duper amazingly talented, kute korean boy band. I’ve been a major fan since December 20th, 2006. I just love them. I can’t get over them, seriously. I love their style, music, EVERYTHING! I guess you can say, no. They ARE one of the few things that make me happy. For the past few weeks, I’ve been having a huge fandom over Big Bang. I think about them, dream about them, listen to them, ahhhhhh. I can’t never get over them.

But what has been bothering me about Big Bang is how they changed so much since Summer of ’07. Ever since their big hit, “Lies” came, Big Bang has changed their style so much. I miss the past, when it was all about hip-hop, R&B, and soul with them. I remember them performing to LaLaLa or Forever With You. Such classics I must say. I miss their style too, before almost every man on the face of Earth wears super tight skinny jeans that ridiculously suffocates their balls. It’s so unattractive. Big Bang are such trendsetters, I love their style. I wish I had their closet, haha. Also, ever since “Lies” appeared, Big Bang is so popular now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they have such huge success, but I get annoyed when people only noticed them when “Lies” came out, and they claim they’re the biggest Big Bang fans. Pffft, I’ve stuck with them since ’06, so I don’t see why they should claim themselves has huge fans, when they only liked them since ’07.

I remember when they just debuted, I was so crazy about them. Like, I would go onto forums & postpostpost crazily about them! But not so much anymore. I think my love for them has diminished, but my love will never disappear for them. They changed so much, I just miss everything about the past. Big Bang’s and even my own. I’ve had so many thoughts and dreams about them. I can imagine myself meeting them at the Korean Music Festival or me being a YG Entertainment trainee, haha. I just love them, period.

June 21, 2009, 6:10 PM
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I can’t remember a time where I was truly happy. The memories that I remember most was when I was drowned in my own trail of tears. The only way to let my saddness is out is to cry silently. No one understands how I feel. But that’s only because they’ve never seen the sad side of me. I feel weak right now, like I’m about to collapse. I’m tired to being a sad weakling. I’m tired of how I have to hide my emotions from people. I’m tired how I worry about talking my feelings away. I put on a mask on my face everyday, just to not bother them with my real self. That mask is my help through life, looking as if I’m living life happily, when I’m really not. When I cry, no one cares or even dares to look at me in the eyes. Heavy teardrops fall from my face day and night. Every morning, I wake up with a damp pillow. There can never be a time where I’m truly happy. I wait and wait, but I doubt myself happiness will come to my arms. Something is just always in my way to ruin my reign. I’m not asking for attention, but a helping hand to help me figure myself out and cope with my undescribable sadness.

Is there anyone out there?

June 18, 2009, 11:06 PM
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Final days at Vietnamese school

School is technically over now. Horray, I’m so happy. No more assignments, tests, nothing. Except summer homework, but whatever. Hello, summer. Ahh~~ those hot summer days. Sleeping in, doing the hell you want, chilling with friends. I’m excited. I have a feeling this is gonna be a summer of a lifetime, not the mention the most stressful.
Graduation at my high school just finished a few hours ago. I gotta say, it was depressing but joyful at the same time. I got to see a cool friend of mine graduate, but I’m never gonna see him everyday anymore. It was pretty sad, I teared up a little bit with my friend. Haha, we even left him a ton of message for him. For sure my friend and I are going to chill with him over summer. I have to make as many memories as possible. After graduation, I saw my english teacher. She’s been the trouble of my whole freshman year, but she was there. She had mad kids cry, break down, and even just today, she made my best friend cry. You had no idea how infuriated I was. This is the low down.
DENISE: -hugs Ms.Hall- You did a good job.
MS.HALL: Oh really? Why thank you.
MS.HALL: Don’t tell anyone this, nobody, but do you know something bad is gonna happen to you tomorrow?
DENISE: uhh … yeah.
MS.HALL: Are you going to school tomorrow? You’re not, probably? Are you?
DENISE: I am. -nods-
MS.HALL: ohh -some weird smile-
DENISE: -walks away-
So what should I say about that? I guess she’s just freaking me out, which actually worked. I believed Ms.Hall too from the minute she told me. I had a feeling because I hear that she’s “psychic” not to mention smart and the way I behave around her is pretty rude. So, it’s most likely I’ll be in a meltdown tomorrow. But that’s all I know. I’m still curious of what’s going to happen to me. Hopefully, nothing to drastic. Aish, she’s getting to my head … again.
But I also think it’s from what happened this morning. So like, in first period, I saw my best friend cry while Ms.Hall was yelling at her. I didn’t know what happened back there, but when Ms.Hall publicly announced it in class, it was because my best friend informed other people in my english class about what was going to the our final of the semester. When Ms.Hall found out, she went on a hunt for my best friend for 2 days. She never showed up till today, and Ms.Hall was real angry. Ms.Hall even said she should be punished and get a B in the class. Nobody excpet Ms.Hall, my other friend, and I know that it was terrible if Mai got a B in a subject. If she were to get a B in the class, she wouldn’t be able to swim. That’s pretty bad. My best friend loves swimming, it’s her only way to express her feelings. Because of that B, her mom won’t let her swim. Everyone should have a safe way to show their emotions, and for my best friend, it’s swimming. I also find this unfair because there was another student that almost lost Ms.Hall’s projector, yet he didn’t get punished at all. He betrayed Ms.Hall by not closing her door, even though you were suppose to. So, honestly, I don’t see why Ms.Hall wants to punish my best friend. She’s unreasonable. Everyone in my class in stupid, period. Not to mention inconsiderate. Fuck them. They’re the scums of the earth.
When Ms.Hall made a comment saying that my best friend left tears on the chair, this guy that I hate, Peter said, “eww.” Then I came in and said, “shut up.” It left the whole class silent.
Let me tell you about this boy name Peter. He’s a gay ass bastard with a ginormous oily forhead that makes my eyes look chinkier than usual, who fails at basketball, runs awkwardly and walks like a cowboy with super tight pants that show is fucking ass. Oh, and he’s super cocky. BITCH. I think he’s cocky because Ms.Hall likes him, he thinks he attracts every girl since he’s a flirt, and thinks he is amazing at basketball. Shit, a 5-year-old can beat him. Fucking bastard.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling real depressed lately. I’ve been reminiscing a lot of memories I’ve had from the past, and it just saddens me because I can never re-live them. There’s times where I’m depressed, but I can never figure out why too. I mean, I get practically everything I want, and all, but there’s just something that saddens me or something that needs to complete my heart. I’m still confused.
Time to get some shut eye. Peace.
Can’t wait for what’s going to happen tomorrow. -0-

Saddening to see
June 14, 2009, 12:33 AM
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All around me, I hear and see only negative things around the world. The news, magazines, in my own life. It’s tiring to feel so much of that saddening feeling. Day by day, the world loses hope in finding peace and happiness. The only that grows progressively is the bad. I hear people dieing, less encouaged, etc. I’m just sick and tired of it. It frustrates me because I’m worried how the world is gonna end like. I never hear anything good nowadays, and it saddens me of how people are now. Whoever I pass by, I can see distress and tears in their eyes. Nobody is never satisfied or happy. I wish the world would change and become more pleasant. So far, nothing has been joyful lately. Everybody is all in a rush, and never take the time to smell the daisies. I had to get this out of my chest. It has been such a burdden to me.

Now, I must go off and sleep.

Bring it on, 10th grade
June 5, 2009, 11:53 PM
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I just had noodles today, and boy were they delicious. I’m ridiculously full now, haha. Today, I had some of my friends come over today to chill since it is Friday. Finals are coming up soon, and I have to do a major cram-session soon; boo. I really want this school year to end already, but then again, I don’t want it too. Finals are needed to get over with, and I really need to ace my English, Geometry, and Korean final. Basically, all the classes that I’m struggling in. I need to have at least a B in English, a C in Geometry, and hopefully a B, but preferably an A in Korean. I think I got real lazy in second semester, so I think that’s what screwed me up the most. Those are my ideal grades.

I’m praying that I don’t slack off next year, for both semesters. Seriously, I need to focus in my school life after this. My future depends on it. Which reminds me, I made it onto the Frosh/Soph Girls’ Basketball team! I just found out today during lunch. All I did was focused in looking for my name on the list. I literally jumped around like crazy when I made it in. Try-outs were just yesterday and the day before yesterday. I really didn’t think that I would actually make the team, though. I sucked during the try-outs, so I’m thinking, they’ll accept anyone that is commited & school-oriented. Today was the AP Bio meeting too. Crap, I have a lot of summer work to do. I gotta work on 6 chapters in AP Bio. My current problem is choosing AP World History or Honors World History. I want to take as many APs as I can, but I’m worried I’ll be too stressed to even have time to work on AP World assignments. Not to mention, I have English with Ms. Hall next year. I don’t know what to do. I want to take as many APs as I can, but I have a feeling I can’t take it, that I’ll stress myself out. Oh, and don’t forget basketball too. I have too much on my plate. Please, help.

I have a good feeling that I won’t have much of a summer this year, or even a good socializing year, next year. I have to focus in school. I just remembered that I need to start doing community service and work harder in school. I’m trying to achieve a lot of awards and credit for college. I really want to go to a sweet college, not those crappy ones like CSUN. I’m real nervous about next year. I don’t know what to do.

When I was studying for my Biology test the other day, I started thinking about the past. It was just a quick flash, y’know, reminiscing the good ‘ol days. But come to think of it, my past was also one of my saddest moments. As I thought more of it, I began to cry. Slowly, the tear drops began to run down my cheek. Oh, how much I miss it. When I was in elementary school and in middle school. I just want to return back to those days and just relive them for one day! I’m not exactly enjoying the present. All I feel is just … dark emptiness. In elementary school, I was real happy. I remember playing with friends, jumping over gigantic stones and backpacks that was just barely half our size. Around middle school, there was a point where I was closer to online friends than real life friends. I thought the online friends were like, my best friends. I mean, I could talk to them practically about anything. My problems, my feelings, my randomness, you name it. I thought they were to closest friends I ever had my whole life! But then slowly, each and every one of us quietly driftted away. Oh, and there was a moment in time where my closest online friend told me that my oppa liked her. Jealousy was raging around my veins. I really liked my oppa. Honestly, he was the only person I ever fell hardest for. During those hot summer days, I would just lie on the grass at a park and look at the clear blue skies just thinking about my friend and oppa. I immediately shed into tears. You have no idea how hurt I was. I couldn’t bear talking to the two of them. Neither of them knew how I felt about them. I was jealous and angry at my friend … and heartbroken by my oppa. There were times where I didn’t log into MSN for weeks, but when I  do, my friend sends me these conversations with my oppa and her had. I cry just reading them, wishing I had those conversations with my oppa. After 2 years, I still haven’t told them how I felt …

and I’m still heart-broken