Filed under: I have a ... beautiful life
Grab on and hang tight. Everthing will be okay… at least that’s what you think it is. I’m ready to give in. I can’t take it anymore. Just about a year ago, I was this happy, naive girl that only did whatever just for the fun of it. Now I am a hopeless, naive wretch with an eyefull of tears. I am ready to belive that life isn’t fair.
I’m struggling emotionally and physically. Thinking seems to be the source of my pain; thinking about life, the future, today, etc. I can’t take living. I have so many hardships with society and with myself. I may not be the perfect person, but I try so hard to be the “perfect” one. As each day passes by, I begin to lose my humanity and sanity. I’m a hopeless person, period.
School seems to be taking a huge role upon this. I think about today and notice that I can’t handle AP classes or basketball. I’m too stupid and too imcompetent to even think about being in AP classes. For my Junior and Senior year, I plan to take as many APs as I can. But I can barely handle one…. Day by day, I have a huge urge to quick basketball. Who am I kidding? I can’t play the game, I fail at it and I will ruin the chances of the team to win. All I see myself doing is just sitting on the benches and holding back the tears; knowing that I am just a burden to society and to my beloved ones.
Nowadays, I cry silently in the light, wishing to be invisible. To everyone, please do not pay attention to me. I just want to be alone and never be noticed. I want to hide in the shadows and ease everyone’s life since I’m too much of a problem. Besides, how often do you find people listening to problems?
“Friends” have been apart of the issue too. Do I even have friends or people that talk to anyone? Let’s face it, I have nothing in life to life for. I’m too stupid, naive, sensitive, whiny, and slow to exist. There is no one out there to hear my voice, encourage me, or even help me. Sure, they are, but I know they don’t mean it. They’re just saying that out of sympathy. “It’s okay,” “Feel better,” “We’re a team,” “I love you,” all of it means nothing.
In the end, I have to realize, you can’t trust anybody but yourself. That’s the meaning of life.