☆彡언제나 행복하게


Sheesh
April 9, 2011, 2:35 AM
Filed under: Uncategorized

Sorry I’m a disappointment & I can’t meet your standards. -0-;

As of now, I have a Fail in both AP Physics and Math Analysic.  Fuck. Yeah, and I got one of those usual fights at 3:22AM about it with my mom. I guess I’ll just explain a brief description of the argument. It started off with talking about college and my personal statement. The latter moved toward my mom’s teaching and my grades. I just blankly said that I knew my weaknesses, accepted it, and just decided to fail. My mom then said that I didn’t try hard enough and it is not GOOD ENOUGH. I guess not, huh? I should go die, or maybe drop out of school and work at a supermarket (suggested by mom, fyi). But I know I have better things in life to do that I can’t waste it by working at a supermarket. Anyway, so yeah, mother got angry about how I don’t meet her standards. I started crying how I never get appreciated by nothing that I do. I’m passing 4/6 classes, including my Pierce one, making tons of legacies/participation to the school. I just can’t handle AP Physics or Math Analysis. No matter how hard I try, I can’t do it, but I’ll just accept that and focus on what I’m good at, and technically passing in. Sheesh…

As a member of an Vietnamese-immigrant family, education is highly valued. Failures and C’s are looked down upon. Community  college or any nearby school is frowned upon as well. These household values do not typically take emotions or feelings into consideration. Only harsh criticism and shame, as well as rudeness and loud voices. Sexist standards are the norm. Mother tends to children, provides food, and cleans. Father would only yell and selfishly complain on a daily basis. The first generation never care about mother’s or father’s needs; only wish to escape out of confinement. Children are often bashed upon, compared to, and treated terribly. Yeah, I don’t like Asian fob families, not one bit.

In my household… I only wish my mom and dad to lose their mouths. They’re fucking annoying. I’m constantly ridiculed, criticized, compared to, (INSERT OTHER MEAN TERMS THAT DEGRADES ME). My parents only see the bad things about me, and never praise/appreciate what I do. All I ask for is appreciation. As for the ridiculing in what I do, I know what I did wrong and I certainly do not need it to hear from my parents. That just makes me want to make it more riskier and damaged to piss them off. (purposely) I really don’t hear anything good about my from my household. Only just taughting names.

I guess it’s because I don’t deserve it. Hey, maybe I should go die!

I hardly see my friends at school during the break times. I’m always running around school either for a club, leadership, or anything related to my studies. The only time I get to see my friends are my classes and passing period when I head down to my locker. Yayyyy. I’m highly dedicated to my school and studies, I am really. But after my fails in 2 classes, I just accepted that I knew that math and science are not my best subjects. I’ve known that for years and no matter how many times I apply for a math and science class, I  typically fail. I just can’t understand advanced math and science. But you know what? At least I’m passing my other classes, involved in WHO KNOW HOW MANY ORGANIZATIONS, CLUBS, SCHOOL STUFF I’M IN. I used the majority of my high school life dedicating to those things.

But really broke me down during the argument was when my mom completely admitting to only providing her children financially. EXACTLY, FINANCIALLY. How about emotionally sustainable? I pretty much need that in my life. I push myself down all the time, but only to hear my parents say something encouraging. I get much encouragement and support from my friends and teachers, but I feel like hearing those supporting words from my parents are more valuable. There’s a reason why Edward doesn’t call my parents while he’s in college, doesn’t talk to them about any personal issue. It’s because my parent’s can’t provide that emotional support. Something that we really need at hard times like these. They only have expectations.

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